Push

  PUSH

  a novel by SAPPHIRE

  I

  I was left back when I was twelve because I had a baby for my fahver. That was in 1983.1 was out of school for a year. This gonna be my second baby. My daughter got Down Sinder. She’s retarded. I had got left back in the second grade too, when I was seven, ‘cause I couldn’t read (and I still peed on myself). I should be in the eleventh grade, getting ready to go into the twelf grade so I can gone ‘n graduate. But I’m not. I’m in the ninfe grade.

  I got suspended from school ‘cause I’m pregnant which I don’t think is fair. I ain’ did nothin’!

  My name is Claireece Precious Jones. I don’t know why I’m telling you that. Guess ‘cause I don’t know how far I’m gonna go with this story, or whether it’s even a story or why I’m talkin’; whether I’m gonna start from the beginning or right from here or two weeks from now. Two weeks from now? Sure you can do anything when you talking or writing, it’s not like living when you can only do what you doing. Some people tell a story ‘n it don’t make no sense or be true. But I’m gonna try to make sense and tell the truth, else what’s the fucking use? Ain’ enough lies and shit out there already?

  So, OK, it’s Thursday, September twenty-four 1987 and I’m walking down the hall. I look good, smell good—fresh, clean. It’s hot but I do not take off my leather jacket even though it’s hot, it might get stolen or lost. Indian summer, Mr Wicher say. I don’t know why he call it that. What he mean is, it’s hot, 90 degrees, like summer days. And there is no, none, I mean none, air conditioning in this mutherfucking building. The building I’m talking about is, of course, I.S. 146

  on 134th Street between Lenox Avenue and Adam Clayton Powell Jr Blvd. I am walking down the hall from homeroom to first period maff. Why they put some shit like maff first period I do not know. Maybe to gone ‘n git it over with. I actually don’t mind maff as much as I had thought I would. I jus’ fall in Mr Wiener’s class sit down.

  We don’t have assigned seats in Mr Wiener’s class, we can sit anywhere we want. I sit in the same seat everyday, in the back, last row, next to the door. Even though I know that back door be locked. I don’t say nuffin’ to him. He don’t say nuffin’ to me, now. First day he say, “Class turn the book pages to page 122 please.” I don’t move. He say, “Miss Jones, I said turn the book pages to page 122.” I say, “Mutherfucker I ain’t deaf.” The whole class laugh. He turn red. He slam his han’ down on the book and say, “Try to have some discipline.” He a skinny little white man about five feets four inches. A peckerwood as my mother would say. I look at him ‘n say, “I can slam too. You wanna slam?” ‘NI pick up my book ‘n slam it down on the desk hard. The class laugh some more. He say, “Miss Jones I would appreciate it if you would leave the room right NOW.” I say, “I ain’ going nowhere mutherfucker till the bell ring. I came here to learn maff and you gon’ teach me.” He look like a bitch just got a train pult on her. He don’t know what to do. He try to recoup, be cool, say, “Well, if you want to learn, calm down—” “I’m calm,” I tell him. He say,

  “If you want to learn, shut up and open your book.” His face is red, he is shaking. I back off. I have won. I guess.

  I didn’t want to hurt him or embarrass him like that you know. But I couldn’t let him, anybody, know, page 122 look like page 152, 22, 3, 6, 5—

  all the pages look alike to me. ‘NI really do want to learn. Everyday I tell myself something gonna happen, some shit like on TV I’m gonna break through or somebody gonna break through to me

  —I’m gonna learn, catch up, be normal, change my seat to the front of the class. But again, it has not been that day.

  But thas the first day I’m telling you about. Today is not the first day and like I said I was on my way to maff class when Mrs Lichenstein snatch me out the hall to her office. I’m really mad

  ‘cause actually I like maff even though I don’t do nuffin’, don’t open my book even. I jus’ sit there for fifty minutes. I don’t cause trouble. In fac’

  some of the other natives get restless I break on

  ‘em. I say, “Shut up mutherfuckers I’m tryin’ to learn something.” First they laugh like trying to pull me into fuckin’ with Mr Wicher and disrupting the class. Then I get up ‘n say, “Shut up mutherfuckers I’m tryin’ to learn something.” The coons clowning look confuse, Mr Wicher look confuse. But I’m big, five feet nine-ten, I weigh over two hundred pounds. Kids is scared of me.

  “Coon fool,” I tell one kid done jumped up. “Sit down, stop ackin’ silly.” Mr Wicher look at me confuse but grateful. I’m like the polices for Mr Wicher. I keep law and order. I like him, I pretend he is my husband and we live together in Weschesser, wherever that is.

  I can see by his eyes Mr Wicher like me too. I wish I could tell him about all the pages being the same but I can’t. I’m getting pretty good grades. I usually do. I just wanna gone get the fuck out of I.S. 146 and go to high school and get my diploma.

  Anyway I’m in Mrs Lichenstein’s office. She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. I don’t say nuffin’. Finally she say, “So Claireece, I see we’re expecting a little visitor.” But it’s not like a question, she’s telling me. I still don’t say nuffin’.

  She staring at me, from behind her big wooden desk, she got her white bitch hands folded together on top her desk.

  “Claireece.”

  Everybody call me Precious. I got three names—

  Claireece Precious Jones. Only mutherfuckers I hate call me Claireece.

  “How old are you Claireece?”

  White cunt box got my file on her desk. I see it. I ain’t that late to lunch. Bitch know how old I am.

  “Sixteen is ahh rather ahh”—she clear her throat

  — “old to still be in junior high school.”

  I still don’t say nuffin’. She know so much let her ass do the talking.

  “Come now, you are pregnant, aren’t you Claireece?”

  She asking now, a few seconds ago the hoe just knew what I was.

  “Claireece?”

  She tryin’ to talk all gentle now and shit.

  “Claireece, I’m talking to you.”

  I still don’t say nuffin’. This hoe is keeping me from maff class. I like maff class. Mr Wicher like me in there, need me to keep those rowdy niggers in line. He nice, wear a dope suit every day. He do not come to school looking like some of these other nasty ass teachers.

  “I don’t want to miss no more of maff class,” I tell stupid ass Mrs Lichenstein.

  She look at me like I said I wanna suck a dog’s dick or some shit. What’s with this cunt bucket?

  (That’s what my muver call women she don’t like, cunt buckets. I kinda get it and I kinda don’t get it, but I like the way it sounds so I say it too.) I get up to go, Mrs Lichenstein ax me to please sit down, she not through with me yet. But I’m through with her, thas what she don’t get.

  “This is your second baby?” she says. I wonder what else it say in that file with my name on it. I hate her.

  “I think we should have a parent-teacher conference Claireece—me, you, and your mom.”

  “For what?” I say. “I am’ done nuffin’. I doose my work. I am’ in no trouble. My grades is good.”

  Mrs Lichenstein look at me like I got three arms or a bad odor out my pussy or something.

  What my muver gon’ do I want to say. What is she gonna do? But I don’t say that. I jus’ say, “My muver is busy.”

  “Well maybe I could arrange to come to your house—” The look on my face musta hit her, which is what I was gonna do if she said one more word. Come to my house! Nosy ass white bitch! I don’t think so! We don’t be coming to your house in Weschesser or wherever the fuck you freaks live. Well I be damned, I done heard everything, white bitch wanna visit.<
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  “Well then Claireece, I’m afraid I’m going to have to suspend you—”

  “For what!”

  “You’re pregnant and—”

  “You can’t suspend me for being pregnant, I got rights!”

  “Your attitude Claireece is one of total uncooperation—”

  I reached over the desk. I was gonna yank her fat ass out that chair. She fell backwards trying to get away from me ‘n started screaming,

  “SECURITY SECURITY!”

  I was out the door and on the street and I could still hear her stupid ass screaming, “SECURITY

  SECURITY!*

  “Precious!” That’s my mother calling me.

  I don’t say nothin’. She been staring at my stomach. I know what’s coming. I keep washing dishes. We had fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, and Wonder bread for dinner. I don’t know how many months pregnant I am. I don’t wanna stand here ‘n hear Mama call me slut. Holler ‘n shout on me all day like she did the last time. Slut! Nasty ass tramp! What you been doin’! Who! Who! WHOoooo like owl in Walt Disney movie I seen one time. Whooo? Ya wanna know who— “Claireece Precious Jones I’m talkin’ to you!” I still don’t answer her. I was standing at this sink the last time I was pregnant when them pains hit, wump! Ahh wump! I never felt no shit like that before. Sweat was breaking out on my forehead, pain like fire was eating me up. I jus’ standing there ‘n pain hit me, then pain go sit down, then pain git up ‘n hit me harder! ‘N

  she standing there screaming at me, “Slut!

  Goddam slut! You fuckin’ cow! I don’t believe this, right under my nose. You been high tailing it round here.” Pain hit me again, then she hit me.

  I’m on the floor groaning, “Mommy please, Mommy please, please Mommy! Mommy!

  Mommy! MOMMY!” Then she KICK me side of my face! “Whore! Whore!” she screamin’. Then Miz West live down the hall pounding on the door, hollering “Mary! Mary! What you doin’! You gonna kill that chile! She need help not no beating, is you crazy!”

  Mama say, “She shoulda tole me she was pregnant!”

  “Jezus Mary, you didn’t know. I knew, the whole building knew. Are you crazy—”

  “Don’t tell me nothin’ about my own chile—”

  “Nine-one-one! Nine-one-one! Nine-one-one!”

  Miz West screamin’ now. She call Mama a fool.

  Pain walking on me now. Jus’ stomping on me. I can’t see hear, I jus’ screamin’, “Mommy!

  Mommy!”

  Some mens, these ambulance mens, I don’t see

  ‘em or hear ‘em come in. But I look up from the pain and he dere. This Spanish guy in EMS

  uniform. He push me back on a cushion. I’m like in a ball from the pain. He say, “RELAX!” The pain stabbing me wif a knife and this spic talking

  ‘bout relax.

  He touch my forehead put his other hand on the side of my belly. “What’s your name?” he say.

  “Huh?” I say. “Your name?” “Precious,” I say. He say, “Precious, it’s almost here. I want you to push, you hear me momi, when that shit hit you again, go with it and push, Preshecita. Push.”

  And I did.

  And always after that I look for someone with his face and eyes in Spanish peoples. He coffee-cream color, good hair. I remember that. God. I think he was god.

  No man was never nice like that to me before. I ask at the hospital behind him, “Where that guy help me?” They say, “Hush girl you jus’ had a baby.”

  But I can’t hush ‘cause they keep asking me questions. My name? Precious Jones. Claireece Precious Jones to be exact. Birth date?

  November 4, 1970. Where? “Here” I say, “right chere in Harlem Hospital.” “Nineteen seventy?”

  the nurse say confuse quiet. Then she say, “How old are you?” I say, “Twelve.” I was heavy at twelve too, nobody get I’m twelve ‘less I tell them.

  I’m tall. I jus’ know I’m over two hundred ‘cause the needle on the scale in the bathroom stop there it don’t can go no further. Last time they want to weigh me at school I say no. Why for, I know I’m fat. So what. Next topic for the day.

  But this not school nurse now, this Harlem Hospital where I was borned, where me and my baby got tooked after it was borned on the kitchen floor at 444 Lenox Avenue. This nurse slim butter-color woman. She lighter than some Spanish womens but I know she black. I can tell.

  It’s something about being a nigger ain’t color.

  This nurse same as me. A lot of black people with nurse cap or big car or light skin same as me but don’t know it. I’m so tired I jus’ want to disappear. I wish Miss Butter would leave me alone but she jus’ staring at me, her eyes getting bigger and bigger. She say she need to get some more information for the birth certificate.

  It still tripping me out that I had a baby. I mean I knew I was pregnant, knew how I got pregnant. I been knowing a man put his dick in you, gush white stuff in your booty you could get pregnant.

  Iʼm twelve now, I been knowing about that since I was five or six, maybe I always known about pussy and dick. I can’t remember not knowing.

  No, I can’t remember a time I did not know. But thas all I knowed. I didn’t know how long it take, what’s happening inside, nothing, I didn’t know nothing.

  The nurse is saying something I don’t hear. I hear kids at school. Boy say Fm laffing ugly. He say, “Claireece is so ugly she laffing ugly.” His fren’ say, “No, that fat bitch is crying ugly.” Laff laff. Why Fm thinking about those stupid boys now I don’t know.

  “Mother,” she say. “What’s your mother’s name?”

  I say, “Mary L Johnston” (L for Lee but my mother don’t like Lee, soun’ too country). “Where your mother born,” she say. I say, “Greenwood, Mississippi.” Nurse say, “You ever been there?” I say, “Naw, I never been nowhere.” She say,

  “Reason I ask is Fm from Greenwood, Mississippi, myself.” I say, “Oh,” ‘cause I know Iʼm spozed to say something.

  “Father,” she say. “What’s your daddy’s name?”

  “Carl Kenwood Jones, born in the Bronx.” •

  She say, “What’s the baby’s father’s name?” I say, “Carl Kenwood Jones, born in the same Bronx.”

  She quiet quiet. Say, “Shame, thas a shame.

  Twelve years old, twelve years old,” she say over

  ‘n over like she crazy (or in some shock or something). She look at me, butter skin, light eyes—I know boyz love her. She say, “Was you ever, I mean did you ever get to be a chile?”

  Thas a stupid question, did I ever get to be a chile? I am a chile.

  I’m confuse, tired. I tell her I want to sleep. She put the bed down, I do go to sleep.

  Somebody else there when I wake up. It’s like the police or something. Wanna ax me some questions. I axes, “Where’s my baby? I know I had one. I know that.” New somebody in nurse cap sweet-smile me and say, “Yes, you did Miss Jones, you surely did.” She moves the men in uniform suits back from my bed. Say my baby is in special intense care and I will get to see her soon and won’t I please answer the nice men’s questions. But they ain’ nice men. They pigs. I ain’ crazy. I don’t tell them nothing.

  “Precious! Precious!” my muver hollering but my head not here it in four years when I had the first baby. I was standing at this sink when the pain hit me, and she hit me.

  “Precious!”

  My hand slip down in the dishwater, grab the butcher knife. She bedda not hit me, I ain’ lyin’! If she hit me I will stab her ass to def, you hear me!

  “Precious! You done lost your mind? Just standing up there staring into spaces. I’m talkin’

  to you!”

  Like thas something.

  “I was thinkin’,” I say.

  “You thinkin’ while I’m talkin’ to you?”

  She say this like I’m burnin’ hunnert dollar bills.

  The buzzer ring. I wonder who it could be. Don’t nobody ring our bell ‘less it’s crack addicts t
rying to get in the building. I hate crack addicts. They give the race a bad name.

  “Go tell them assholes to stop ringing the bell,”

  she say. She closer to the door than me but I mean my muver don’t move ‘less she has to. I mean that. When I go to answer the buzzer I realize I’m still grabbing the knife. I hate my muver sometimes. She is ugly I think sometime.

  I press talk on the intercom and holler, “Stop ringing the goddam buzzer mutherfucker!” and go back to the kitchen to finish the dishes.

  The buzzer ring again. I go back. “Stop ringing the goddam buzzer,” I say again. The mutherfucker ring again. “Stop it!” It ring again.

  “STOP IT!” I shout again. It ring again. My muver jump in and say, “Press listen stupid!” I wanna say I ain’ stupid but I know I am so I don’t say nothin’, ‘cause also I don’t want her to go hit me,

  ‘cause I know from my hand in the dishwater holding the butcher knife, I am through being hit.

  I am going to stab her she ever hit Precious Jones again. I press listen. “It’s Sondra Lichenstein for Claireece Jones and Ms Mary Johnston.” Mrs Lichenstein! What that hoe want?

  She want me to hit her for real this time.

  “Who that Precious?” my muver say. I say,

  “White bitch from school.” “What she want?” my muver say. “I don’t know.” “Ask her,” my muver say. I press talk ‘n say, “What you want?” Then I press listen and Mrs Lichenstein say, “I want to talk to you about your education.” This bitch crazy. I was going to school everyday till her honky ass snatch me out the hall, fuck with my mind, make me go off on her, suspend me from school jus’ because I’m pregnant—you know, end up my education. Now her white ass out on Lenox Avenue talkin’ ‘bout she wanna talk to me about my education. Lord where is crack addicts when you need ‘em. “What all this about Precious?” my muver asks. My muver don’t want no white shit like Mrs Lichenstein social worker teacher ass nosing around here. My muver don’t want to get cut off, welfare that is. And that’s what white shit like Mrs Lichenstein comin’ to visit result in. If I wasn’t pregnant and having trouble with the stairs, I run down and kick her ass. My muver say, “Eighty-six that bitch.” I says into the intercom, “Hasta la vista, baby.” That’s Spanish for good-bye but when niggers say it, it’s like, kiss my ass. Ring go buzzer again. I don’t believe this retarded hoe. I press talk ‘n say, “Git outta here Mrs Lichenstein ‘fore I kick your ass.”